When Loki woke up, he was still on the floor where Thor had knocked him to the ground. “Thor could do it”, Heimdall repeated. “We will dress him up as Freyja so that he receives his hammer back from the very thief who stole it in the first place”. The gods were in disarray as the giant Thrym had stolen Thor’s hammer, Mjölnir.
Loki wiped some blood from the corner of his mouth. Thor had hit him in the face for laughing at Heimdall’s suggestion to marry him off to a giant. To be fair: it was a rather amusing suggestion. Yet amusing as it was, Thor was not pleased.
“Preposterous”, grumbled Thor. “Thrym would never fall for that. I am far too masculine to pass for Freyja”. Yet his refusal was in vain as the other gods stepped in to support Heimdall’s case. “I think this really is the best plan we have”, Freyja pitched in. “Of course you do”, Loki thought. “You don’t want to marry the giant yourself”.
“I will observe from my position at the Bifrost”, Heimdall explained. It was true that Heimdall was capable of seeing the events in any of the nine realms from his post in Asgard. He continued: “I have seen that Thrym and his family have started the celebrations already, just like Loki suggested during their last meeting. They will be drunk when you arrive”. And so it was decided: Thor was to be married off to Thrym.
Thor was dressed in a wide-fit wedding gown so that his bulky posture would not stand out too much. A thick bridal veil covered his face (and beard) and his long hair was donned in Freyja’s hairstyle. There was an opening in the veil for his eyes so that he was still able to see his surroundings. To top it off, Freyja gave him the legendary Brisingamen necklace to wear. The gods also decided that Loki would accompany him as his handmaiden. The trickster, who was used to transforming himself into all sorts of beings, now used magic to turn into a lovely lass. Finally dressed properly for the occasion, they had a wedding to attend.
The welcome party
When they arrived in Jotunheim, they could see that Heimdall had spoken truly: these giants were well on the way to getting hammered. Thor and Loki were waited for by a welcome party, consisting of thralls, bodyguards, and Thrym himself. The chieftain marched ahead of the others. “Those guards are some mean-looking fellows”, whispered Loki as he observed their large crude weapons. Yet he was not worried about them. It was clear as day that both Thrym and his guards were as drunk as they could get. So drunk, that they would not notice anything off about the bride. “A waste of some good guards”, he thought.
The thralls could be a problem. Although they were not armed, they looked sober. Loki cursed inside. “If those thralls sound the alert, we need to get out of here”, he said to both Thor and himself. He only got a grunt from ‘the bride’ as a reply. “I am serious, Freyja”, he emphasized. “They might be able to tell you are not who you pose to be”.
Here comes the bride
As the welcome party drew closer, he could see the thralls would not be a problem either. Their facial expressions were a mixture of fear and exhaustion. Even if they would have the energy and interest in noticing anything peculiar about their soon-to-be mistress, they would be too frightened to tell their master. Thrym stepped forward and spoke to them: “Welcome to your new home, ladies”.
He then addressed Thor in particular. “We have prepared festivities in your honor, my lady”, he said. “Please enjoy the festivities and get to know your people”. He gestured towards the partying giants. These festivities were something to behold. The music and dancing of the giants was of a spiritual type that was unknown to the Aesir, who were not used to the deep and loud humming coming from the giants’ throats. The mead they drank flowed richly from the kitchens, in amounts that even amazed stout drinkers as Thor and Loki. This made them all the louder and merrier.
Meeting the groom’s family
“And behave yourself like a true lady of Asgard, mistress”, Loki whispered. “No gorging on food like you normally do. No drinking. And for both our sakes: no giant-slaying”. Thor’s eyes fixed on him. “But it is a feast in my honor”, he whispered with a ridiculously high voice. “What would the chieftain say if I were not to indulge myself?”. Loki bit his lip. “Fine!”, he snapped. “Do as you like, but please restrain yourself”. That was all Thor needed to hear. The bride pushed his handmaiden aside and he walked to the boars hanging over the fire, grabbing a tankard of mead and a haunch of meat.
Loki and Thrym stood side by side, watching a thirsty Thor empty one tankard of mead after another. It looked ridiculous, but the giant did not seem to mind this scene at all. She’s a thirsty one is she not?, he asked Loki. I did not know that an Asynja (note: a female member of the Aesir tribe) could drink that much. Loki shrugged. “Technically, she is from the Vanir tribe. They are known to be able to hold their liquor”, he lied. The chieftain squinted his eyes “Yes, I recall hearing something about that before.
Munching down the wedding anxiety
They focused their attention back on the scene of the bride. What they saw made their jaws drop. Thor had just devoured a full boar by himself and he was now starting on his second one. He had ruined his wedding gown, smearing it with grease in a few places. Another haunch of board disappeared under the veil, where it was eaten by a bearded mouth that was luckily hidden from the rest of the world.
Well, this is something I did not expect, Thrym said with a voice filled with disbelief. He looked at Thor. I thought she rarely ate any meat at all. What is going on here? A deep wrinkle became visible on his enormous forehead. “The fool”, Loki thought. “After setting up such an elaborate scheme to escape certain death, Thor could not even restrain himself for one evening”. A nervous chuckle escaped his lips. “Well you see, my lord”, he said in a voice filled with honey. “She has been starving herself to fit into her dress. She wants to look her best for you”.
Thrym grumbled as he thought on that explanation. After a long minute of silence, the wrinkle on his giant forehead disappeared as his face cleared up. “MY LOVE!”, he roared. His voice echoed off the walls, catching the attention of the other party guests. Those giants that had not noticed the scene caused by Thor yet, now surely did. They watched as the bride dropped the bones of the (second) boar she had just finished, before walking over to her groom. Loki could have sworn he heard Thor burping softly as he approached them.
“What a charming bride you make, my love”, Thrym said with a loud voice so everyone could hear it. “Yet we will need to make sure we will work on your manners”, he laughed. The crowds joined in on the laughter, making the castle grounds shake again. It was no less intimidating than it was the first time. Thor, whose spirits had been fueled by the alcohol, now gave the giant a defiant look. Loki gasped. There is a fire in those eyes, he thought.
Thrym had spotted it as well. He turned towards Loki. “What is up with her eyes?”, he asked. “There is so much fury in them, I could swear she hates my guts”. Loki, who was now getting fed up with keeping up appearances, sighed. “It’s not that my lord”, he started. “Her eyes are simply burning with desire. She has been waiting for this wedding for so long”. Thor bowed his head, now carefully examining his feet. There was no wrinkle in Thrym’s forehead this time, but there was something else going on. The giant was now clearly overcome by alcohol and lust. “I will show her the time of her life”, he mumbled.
Unwrapping the wedding gift
Loki let go a sigh of relief. “I am sure you will be of great pleasure to her, my lord”, he grinned. “And she is not afraid to get physical with you either”, he whispered. “But first… she will want to have her wedding gift”.
Thrym nodded fiercely, staggering from one side to another. He clapped his hands and signaled 4 of his thralls to bring them mjölnir. When they returned with the hammer, Loki could see that it took them a great amount of effort to carry it without dropping. Thrym stepped forward and beckoned for his bride to join him. “My dear Freyja”, he started. “Let it be forever known that it was me, Thrym, who bested the Aesir”. He gestured the thralls to place Mjölnir at the feet of his bride.
“I have but one condition”, the chieftain added. “I want Thor Odinson to come and collect the hammer himself”. He smiled his ugly smile again. “I want to see the embarrassment on his face”. Loki glanced at Thor, who was now shaking heavily. Thrym had not noticed, as he continued: “let it especially be known that I have cowed Thor into humiliation. He did not dare to show his face here, but sold you off….”. He paused abruptly as he now noticed Thor shaking as well.
Getting hammered at your own wedding
“YOU FOOLS”, Thor shouted whilst picking up Mjölnir. “You must be the most stupid giant I have ever come across in my life”. He tore the veil from his head, his face now visible for all giants to see. “You thought I did not dare show my face here? I have misled ALL OF YOU”, he boomed. Saliva was in his beard and his eyes filled with rage again. He single-handedly raised Mjölnir high above his head and brought it down on Thryms head.
The great chieftain was dead in an instant. Someone screamed. Thunder crackled in the sky as Thor now shifted his gaze towards the rest of the wedding guests. The guards were dead soon after that. By now, the music had died away as the musicians had started fleeing. Wails of terror filled the air instead.
Loki had seen Thor kill before, but this wedding was something else. The way he dealt out death was paired with so much ferocity, it was unlike anything he had seen. The dynasty of Thrym was eradicated that day. None would leave the wedding alive, save Thor and Loki. No giant ever dared steal from Thor again.
The lesson is clear: although it is fine to indulge yourself during a wedding, make sure you do not get hammered. Someone might get hurt.